Timara Klever

All right. This isn't bad. First things first, though. You've got to get the formatting right, because it's driving me crazy. Whenever someone new speaks, you should start a new ...

Hmm...Interesting. First off, you might want to edit your post and hit enter or return between each paragraph. This will make it easier for everyone to read. Let's see...You use ...

This is good. Interesting premise. The only major problem I have with it is the extensive use of passive voice and the word "was" whenever you want to describe something: ...

Okay, this needs a lot of work. It's not terrible, but really...If you're going to bring this story up to par, it will take a lot of time and effort ...

This would be easier to read if you put a space between the paragraphs. XD The biggest thing that jumps out at me is the fact that you keep switching ...